1 Peter 1:8

Though you do not see Him, You love Him

Though you do not now see Him, You do not see Him in the very moment
You believe in Him

You love Him, You do
You really love Him

Rejoicing in an inexpressible joy, Filled with glory

Salvation obtained through faith in the unseen
Salvation given so freely with love beckened upon that old rugged tree on Calvary

This Love, This Love, This Love
So freely given but rightfully obtained
How could He love you and me in such a way?

You look back upon time, You do not see Him
But you knew He was there

You look in the now, You do not see Him
But you know He is there

You look upon the moment, You do not see Him
But you know He is there

Though you do not see Him, You love Him
You believe in Him, You believe in this very Love obtained freely by faith

Though you do not see, You believe in Love

Gliding upon Notes ♪♫

I looked down upon the icy glass seeing 2 silver blades smoothly gliding me upon the ice. Looking back through the years, I was a bit surprised of my seemingly practiced technique. It was as if I had began right where I had left off some years earlier. As the sound of music played through my soul, the words were embedded with revelation in my heart. Words of a babe lying in a manger, so beautiful but dependant, yet so Divine. Jesus lying in Bethlehem being held and nursed by His human mother. A God so beautiful and precious, given to us to be on our level, to be in our reach. Meanwhile still holding His Divine Nature and absolute authority. The wise men looked down upon Him and were utterly amazed. God but yet a helpless newborn baby wrapped in swaddling, needing the care that every baby cries out for.
God but yet a new born baby.
God but yet a baby boy.
God but yet a human infant.
God but yet so so dependent.
God so far away yet now so near.
I began to feel the backward motion of my calves pushing on the ice. Backsliding upon the glassy texture, I lifted my arms out to the east and to the west. My fingers wide open feeling the cold mist in between each space. So cold but wonderfully refreshing. With each sound of the hairs pressed down upon the violin, made for another backward turn upon the ice. As another chord came to sound, another backward slide came into existence. Another chord, to the right I glided. Another chord, to the left I glided. Crossing my arms out before me to feel Your cool breeze, reaching for an embrace. With the sharpness of a drum beat, I dramatically threw my arms before me pushing away everything hindering us uniting. I continued to glide backwards to and fro pushing my arms forward, embracing Your Love. As I glided and flung myself upon the ice, I danced with Your Spirit. As the chords and beat began to soften, my circling upon the glassy presence continued to exist but all the time backwards. As I worshiped You and gave You every move of my heart, soul, and body; I was glowing in Your very Presence. Feeling the coldness of the icy air but not without Your gentle guidance-- still all the time backwards. Never forwards did I glide. Staying in line with Your Spirit, giving You adoring worship. Worshiping backwards but in the all-so-right direction. Backwards but so right I skated upon this icy sea, all alone but in Your very Presence.

Luke 2, Revelation 4

He prays

All Yours is His
All His is Yours
May You be glorified

Look'n to the heavens, He prays, He prays for you
Look'n to the heavens ,He prays, He prays for me

They are not of the world
Only in the world
Sanctify them completely

Look'n to the heavens, He prays, He prays for you
Look'n to the heavens, He prays, He prays for me

Guard them from the evil one
May their joy be complete
Being one between You and Me

All Yours is His
All His is Yours
May You be glorified

Look'n to the heavens, He prays, He prays for you
Look'n to the heavens, He prays, He prays for me

In Jesus Name He prays
Jesus prays

(John 17)

rainbows in the classroom

As I glance amongst the children, I see you sitting far off in the corner.
Your face hidden by the positioning of your eyes toward the window pane.
As I continued to walk toward the chalkboard glancing over all the other little faces...
secretly worrying about you, I focused in on your little presence.
How you would not keep my look.
Not even a glance.
I felt the sadness of your heart.
I felt a sense of longing for something lost or someone who had been taken away.
As I bent down to your desk, still refusing to catch my face, I saw it fall.
One single tear slid down your cheek.
As you sat and pretended to stare out the window...
as you pretended to stay focused on the somewhat busy city street...
they began to fall.
I always have heard that tears are the rainbow to the soul.
How the pain of your heart was showing through each tear released.
You know God keeps each tear in a bottle.
He saves them.
He remembers each one.
Someday He will wipe all of them away.
As I saw your pain, I began to feel my own.
I felt a longing for something lost or someone who had been taken away.
I tried to hide my face.
I tried not to catch their gaze.
I tried to look as far away.
I tried to hide but their eyes caught it fall.
One single tear slid down my cheek.
Pretending to stare at the classroom doorway...
pretending to focus on the empty school hallway...
still trying to hide my face.
They began to fall.
As I saw yours fall, I wiped mine away.
Tears revealing the rainbow of two individual souls.
Knowing that God keeps each one and holds the memories so dear.
As you cry and release your pain, I do the same.
As you long for your past teacher, your lost friend that moved on....
I long for my past class so far away, my little friends that I departed from.
Isn't it funny how today we do the same?
Isn't it funny my little new friend?

Celebration

Lately I have been thinking that something is missing in my life. I'm pretty happy and thankful most of the time. I know that the Lord has been faithful in every area of my life, even when I don't understand certain struggles or trials that I am going through. I know that He is always faithful. So I'm usually pretty smiley and thankful but for some reason or another it seems that I have been lacking joy. There are numerous instances in the Bible that speak about this 'joy'. It is actually a command from the Lord for us to be joyful and sing praise due to His Name. How do I obtain this joy? What has been keeping me from having this joy?

The other evening I was talking with a few friends (as we gathered to celebrate for no reason at all) and one was discussing how she dresses joyful. I thought to myself 'what an interesting idea.' She was telling us that colors can have a big effect and can actually make you joyful. She then told us how she had started wearing joyful colors. Immediately I envisioned myself wearing a bright red scarf.

As I woke up this morning, I was still thinking about this 'joy' thing. I looked in my closet for a red scarf but found none. Then I thought "Well better yet, I'll paint one!"



JOY

Before an audience of One

I wanna be pure
I wanna be holy
Jesus, I wanna be true
I wanna be just like You

I wanna stand before You Lord
to sing another tune
Jesus, I wanna sing to You
I wanna sing only to You

I wanna sing before an audience of One
It's not for me, it's all for You
It's not for my fame, it's all for Your Name
I wanna sing before an audience of One

Removing all that hinders
Removing tunes of popularity
To one day stand before Your throne
Playing sweet, sweet melodies

I wanna stand before You Lord
To sing another tune
Jesus, I wanna sing to You
I wanna sing only to You

I wanna sing before an audience of One
It's not for me, it's all for You
It's not for my fame, it's all for Your Name
I wanna sing before an audience of One

Herman

Our friend Herm, the groundhog. He comes out about 3-4pm every day to pack up for the winter.

The Voice Unspoken

As I stepped up to the red line I tried to prepare my heart for what I was about to hear. I placed both feet upon the red tape that read the words ‘LIFE’ in black lettering. It had taken me about 2 months to prepare myself to pray on the ‘Life Line.’ For the ones reading this article that don’t know what the ‘Life Line’ is, it is a line of red tape placed upon the floor of numerous international houses of prayer in the United States. This ‘Life Line’ is a specific place to stand and pray for the unborn, those without a voice. Who are the voiceless? The voiceless are the numerous cases of aborted babies that never have had a chance to speak and defend themselves. I had been observing people standing on these lines in the prayer room at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. I had often wondered what the Lord spoke into their hearts about the issue of abortion. For months I had been watching people’s reactions to God’s heart as they stood and prayed. Some stood in a solemn assembly, some cried, some screamed out for justice, and some just stood listening. So, there I was finally standing upon the ‘Life Line’. All too long I had felt numb on the issue of abortion. I was beginning to wonder why I couldn’t feel God’s heart. This day was different, it was time.

I stood there on the ‘Life Line’ and prayed a simple but profound prayer, ‘Lord, let me feel Your heart, let me feel what You feel, let me see what You see.” At first nothing happened, but I just stood there trying to listen to Him. I then had a vision. I saw all of these glass jars and in each glass jar there was a fetus. The first jar contained the youngest fetus, continuing on with the different stages of development, and the last jar contained the oldest fetus which looked like the time of delivery. Immediately I was brought back to a childhood visit to the ‘Chicago Museum of Science and Industry’. I had blocked this exhibit from my memory for years. This vision was the exact exhibit that I saw almost 15 years earlier. At that moment in the vision, the Lord spoke to me these specific words… “these are the children I loved.” My heart began to break and I just wept. I was finally feeling His pain for these children. I just stood there crying and listening to His heart. He spoke to me again… “Deuteronomy 30:19.” I quickly walked back to my seat and opened my Bible and read “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life that you and your offspring may live.”

A few weeks went by and the reality of God’s emotions concerning abortion was beginning to fade from my heart. One evening my roommate played a short film, called “22 Weeks.” It is based on a true story about a woman who had an abortion. Surprisingly, the most dramatic part in the movie for me was how her friend supported her decision to have the procedure. All of a sudden, as I was watching the film, the Holy Spirit began to convict me about my silence on this issue. I can count about 10 of my close friends from high school that had abortions. I can remember specific encounters before they had the abortions where I could have spoken out against it. I hate to say this, but I never did. I was more concerned with them rejecting me and my voice, than I was with the life they were carrying inside of them. This happened numerous times and I continued to silence my voice. Every single one of them aborted their baby and a few of them more than once. As I watched this film, I was realizing that I had unconfessed sin. Before God would allow me to feel all of His heart, I needed to repent of the blood that was on my hands. I was realizing this was the very thing that had been holding me back. This unconfessed sin was my numbness. I had aided in their abortions because I refused to speak out, I refused to share my voice. I feared man more than the loss of life. That evening the Lord reminded me of each encounter during my teenage years. As I began to confess all the times that I remained silent, I began to feel clean. I was reminded of Isaiah 1:15-18

“When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will no listen; your hands are full of blood. Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s case. Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”

By the end of the evening, I was feeling so clean and I was no longer numb. For the first time I was able to mourn for the loss of life that I had never spoke out about. The numbness had subsided and I was and am continuing to feel God’s heart on the issue of abortion. I have been silent for too long. Finally the voice unspoken had spoken.

cherry blossoms

Still a little wet, but dry enough to hang. :-D

Poplar Street

The 'Fire in the Night' internship is now over with and what an experience it was. The Lord spoke to me in such an awesome and intimate way during the past months. I can't ever imagine spending another day doing anything different... so I'm definitely praying about ways of financial support. I went back home to Indiana for a few days to unpack all of my pre-korea storage. It's funny how spending a few years in Asia can change your style of decorating, that's for sure. I left a lot of my decorations to gather more spiders and dust, now it looks like I'll be spending some time this week working on some paintings.

I have had so many mixed emotions and feelings the past week. It seems like I'm in another season of transition. Is it possible to miss a home so much, but you don't know where that home is? Guess this home must be Heaven because the only sure home that I know of is Heaven. I came home to the states but I miss Korea so much, although it isn't my homeland. I went home to Indiana last week and it felt like it was no longer my home either. I assume that neither are my home because its not where God wants me to be at during this time. My home is where He is calling me to be. At this time, I am called to be in Kansas City and I know this from the bottom of my heart. So it now looks as if KC is my new residency. As I was driving to Kansas City, I was thinking "I'm driving to my new home... for now that is." It's funny because on the way to Kansas City, I was imagining my 'new home' destination in my mind (KC). I should have been imagining Heaven coming down. I began missing Seoul as I was driving. To derail my mind from this track, I turned up my praise music and just began to scream praises. For 8 hours I screamed praises, cried tears of joy and thankfulness, and lifted my hand to Jesus. Don't worry, I left my left hand on the wheel. It's weird but my hand didn't even get tired and I left it up for the entire duration of the trip. In a very minute way, I felt like Moses in the battle against the Amalakites. He continued to raise his hands and flag on the mountain. As his arms grew weak and tired, Aaron and Hur held up his arms. I can just imagine I had an angel holding up my arm. :-) But it never did get tired. I felt so free on the ride back to Kansas City and my homesickness began to subside. I think my praise was defeating my own weakness. The Lord Is My Banner. Jehovah Nissi

As I pulled off the interstate, I began speaking to the Lord. I was telling Him to make Kansas City now feel like my home. Although I had already been staying in KC for the past few months, I was living at International House of Prayer, while interning. I believe that it never quite hit my soul that this was my new home yet. So I began to pray for the Lord to place a sense of 'home' in my heart for Kansas City. As I pulled off the interstate, into the Grandview Area, I looked up and saw a street sign. This street sign said 'Poplar st.' I think my jaw fell off my face!!! Poplar st. was the name of the street that I grew up on in Indiana! I couldn't believe my eyes, although I really did believe it! I mean who knew that the very first street sign I would see in my community would be the very same one that I grew up on as a child? I just began to praise Him all the more for being so faithful.

He is so faithful, so good, so true.
He knows exactly where He wants me.
He knows the exact destination of location.
He knows exactly what He wants to do.
He is m shepherd in every season of change.
He is my comforter and my strength.
He is 'Jehova Nissi' and I'm so in love with Him.


ps. Oh and I think I forgot to mention that my new address is actually on 'Indiana Ave.'
Who knew?!?!

Hold on to me

Hold on to me, Never let me go

Close my eyes to the world around
keep my eyes on You

What in this life can compare
to knowing You
to feeling You
to loving You
What can compare

Keep me from worthless things
Keep me from idols of the world
Keep me from the idolatry of society

What in this life can compare
to loving You
to loving You
to loving You
Jesus what can compare to Your love so freely shared

So proned to stray, So proned to walk away

Hold on to me, Never let go

So easily distracted by meaningless things
Meaningless things that take home in my heart

Hold on to me, Never let go

I need You now today more than ever
I need You today more than I ever have before

Hold on to me, Please don't let me leave

Close my heart to the world all around
Open my heart to be captivated by You

Jesus, hold on to me, never let go

Jesus I love You, I love You, I love You

I need You more today than any other day

Lost

As I came out of the prayer room in the wee early hours of the morning, I felt my body craving something sweet, preferably my necessary daily vanilla latte. Since I had not slept yet, I decided on juice and maybe a granola bar. I climbed into my car once I found where it parked itself. I quickly drove to the nearest gas station; trying not to speed since recently I have felt a slight conviction of breaking the road rules. I pulled into the gas station, turned off my lights, pulled my keys out, layed them down by my purse, grabbed my wallet, and hopped out of my car. As my door was shutting I knew what I had just done. Now if you are reading this and you have known me for a long time, you know what’s coming. I locked my keys in my car. I haven’t had a car for about 2 ½ years and I’ve only recently been back to driving. So I knew I was due for this some time soon. I just looked at my car door and said ‘Oh no, I did it again.’ I immediately started praying about what I should do. This can be considered my first issue in Kansas City because my phone was in my car, I don’t have any of my roommates phone numbers memorized, I’m still not familiar with Kansas City, and well I just had this sense of helplessness placed upon me. So I began to pray for God to send me someone to help. I’m a very impatient person so I didn’t wait very long until I took the matter into my own hands. Forgive me Jesus even through your faithfulness. I called a locksmith. I decided I might as well go sit on the curb by my car and wait. I was sitting on the curb and this man stopped and asked me if I was okay. I said yes but I was just waiting for a locksmith. He said “Hurry, call them and cancel.” So I didn’t ask any questions and I went back inside the gas station to call and cancel. When I came back out to my car he was already working on getting my keys out. I told him that I had prayed for the Lord to send someone to help me and that’s when he showed up. I made sure to thank Jesus and bless the man. This man’s name was John, which is funny because the past few days I have been studying the book of John. As he was working on getting my keys out, I had this surreal revelation. I was standing in front of the gas station and it was as if the world was going in fast motion but I was stopped. I was a frozen body just standing in front of the gas station watching life zoom by. People were coming from every direction zooming in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and I was just standing there frozen, motionless, and watching life happen. As I was watching all these people coming and going, I realized that they were all lost. The majority of them didn’t know Jesus and they were walking in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and they were all coming to get something. Whatever they were coming to get was nothing compared to Jesus. At that moment, when this man John was getting my keys out of my car, I realized that all of these people at this specific location were coming to get something but they were leaving without the most important thing in life, Jesus. They were all lost and dying, but still alive on their way to death. I began to cry. As I stood there, during this momentary moment of my own sense of frozenness, I realized just how many people need Jesus. At this gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, in this specific country, there were so many people that were lost and dying. There were so many people here that needed Jesus, they all needed life. I believe that this coincidence didn’t just happened this morning but I believe that it was a divine encounter with God’s heart for these people, at this specific gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, and in this specific country. I realize just how much God wants us not only to walk out the first commandment (to love Him with all that we have) but that He expects us to also walk out the second (to love our neighbors). I can’t explain the pain that I was feeling as I drove down the road feeling a piece of God’s heart from this unexpected encounter this morning. I looked down at my coffee and granola bar and all I could think about was lost souls.

Hands

As I close my eyes, I see You. I see You standing there with Your hands wide open, looking at me. I see Your scars but they look a little different than was to be expected. I lean in a little closer to get a better view as I think I see something very peculiar. Scar pierced hands I see but they have something written, something engraved within. Your scar pierced hands say my name! It's my name engraved in those hands of Yours! I'm in those holes, scarred but healed. My name is in the palms of Your hands! Who am I that You chose me out of this world? Who am I that Your hands scream me? How can I contain this reality? It's almost too much to bear. My heart is overwhelmed with an awe and a sense of joy that a man could love me in such an intimate way. Your hands scream my name. Your hands contain all of me. Even through all my unworthiness You chose to die for me! Guiltless, betrayed, abandoned, and denied- You were crucified for me. What can I say? What can I do? What on Earth can I offer You? Nothing could ever compare to the Way, the Truth, and the Life that You have given me. Nothing could ever compare to this endless Love that will last throughout all of Eternity. My life is no longer my own but is in those Beautiful Hands of Yours. There is no other place that I would rather be. Your hands were pierced for me. I see You looking at me with Your palms wide open. Your Life was given for me as my name was inscribed upon those Beautiful Hands of Yours. Into those hands I give all that I am, all that I've been holding onto. Into Your hands, wide open, palms up, screaming at me. My name and all that I am are in those hands. I'm in Your Hands and Your looking at me. There is no other place that I would rather be.

'What a Friend'

_________________________________

I am His Friend.
I am a friend of the 'Living God.'
I am a friend of the 'Great I Am.'
I am a friend of the 'Invisible Man.'
I am a friend of the 'Utmost High.'

He shares what the Father speaks.
He shares His secrets intimately.
He trusts me completely.
No longer a servant in need of a master.
Chosen for intimacy as I dine with the King.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed in the palms of His hands.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Who am I that this 'Righteous Branch' would hold my
name in the palms of His nail pierced hands?
Who am I that this 'Shoot from Jesse' would want any part of me?

He died for me. He died for me.
Flogged and beaten down.
He died for me. Jesus died for me.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by a crown of twisted thorns.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by the spear in His side.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Delivered unto Authority.
Onto what accord?
Guiltless not for fame.
Crucified to sanctify.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Chosen me for sanctivity from amongst all His creativity and even with my unique individuality.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Come a little closer..... Come a little closer.....
Listen..... Listen to His voice..... He's ALIVE!!!
__________________________________

Dr. Seuss meets Yahweh

Oh child I say…. Oh the places you will go today.
Will you get lost?
Will you find your way?
Child I must say… did you bring your map today?

Oh who is your guide?
Should I say a teacher, a cousin, or a make believe friend?
What? Do you not have a tour guide for the day?
Hmmm… Someone should help you along the way.
I shall say, maybe I will meet you half way.
How do you get to where you play?
Do you know the way?

All alone... all by yourself... you travel with no body else.
Where are your friends I must say?
Did they get lost today?
"Oh no" my sweet dear child… You must need someone to make you smile.
Turn that frown upside down.
You say you’re sad I say.
You need a friend to help you find your way?

Who is this special friend I must say?
Is he yellow, purple, black, brown, or white?
What? You say He is Big, clear, and bright?
This friend of yours must help you find your way today.
You’ve been so lost like a needle in the hay.
This friend… This beautiful friend.
You must be a friend of ‘Yahweh.'

Ramblings

Word of the Day: Reflection

Thoughts about today. Hmmm… prayer room? So many thoughts. Hmmm… my mind wonders way too much. Banana Pancakes… yummy! Lots of syrup too! School bus just passed by. I hated ridding the school bus. I was always assigned to the front seat… guess I got out of control in the back. Once I tried to climb out the emergency exit but I got caught. I even slid under the bus when I slipped on a piece of ice getting onto the bus. Isn’t that a run-on if I say so? Uh-huh… I do. I wonder if I’ll say that anytime soon. This is coming from a teacher too… how I miss my little Arabic speaking students. Even missin correcting their grammar mistakes. Yea… sometimes I’m nerdy like that. My roomie says I’m a bit weird. I’d rather be a nerd. That’s okay Jesus loves me soooo much. Someday where gonna get married. He thinks I’m gorgeous! :-D So weird how society views beauty and how Jesus makes us so much more beautiful than any sort of cosmetics. Although I’m not against wearing cosmetics but I never wear them in the gym. Hmmm… I really need to get back into my running mode. I’m losing my muscles but gaining prayer muscles. Sometimes I feel like run’n in the prayer room but instead I sit in the infamous blue chair… wait or is it grey? At times I get really happy and jump up and down but I eventually go back to the grey chair or I sit on the floor. I can’t believe how many grey hairs I’ve been getting. I’m only 27 years old too… wait or am I 28? In Korea I would be turning 29 at the turn of the year, which would make me 28. I can’t wait till I turn 30! Really because the best years of life are in your 30’s! Here I come... 30’s baby! Nope not yet, no little munchkins. Maybe someday. How beautiful are the feet that bring good news. I was born in 82. Man, I really do miss my 82 ‘chingu club.’ I feel like a mom in my apt. I’m almost 10 years older than my roomies. Funny though we all look about the same age. It’s the height I say. Oh sweet Jesus! Jesus I love You. Jesus I adore You! I was blown away tonight how much Jesus thinks of me as His friend. I’m His friend. Wow! Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Hey He really does you know? I’m not conceited I swear to it. Yep I’m just really confident in His love for me. That’s all. I haven’t used that laundry detergent in over 2 ½ years. I’m just ecstatic to have a dryer now. I wonder why Asia doesn’t have clothes dryers. I wonder if it’s because there are so many little people. Although I thought I would be a little taller there… come to find out, I was still the shortest one! It never fails… I’m always the littlest. Although I think I saw a girl here in Kansas City that was littler. Is that a word? It is now. Yep and I’m a teacher. Now it is 7:47 am and I probably should be getting to bed. I really don’t find the beds comfortable here. They remind me of my childhood. I miss my twin. I had the top bunk. I’d say that bunk-beds wouldn’t be my first choice but I guess I didn’t come here for the comfort of sleep. Sometimes when making the bed here, I feel like I’m at a rehab center. I love popping the centers out of Reese cups. Even though I’m not a big peanut butter fan. Mixed with milk chocolate it’s good. They always have peanut butter sandwiches for a second choice of food even on fish days. Good thing I’m not allergic to peanut butter too. Hmmm… the 2 most popular allergies and they serve them together? Contradictory? I need sleep. I’m rambling. Night. Wait or is it day? Can’t wait to be back on the day schedule soon.

Who is this Man from Nazareth?

______________________________________________________

My strength. My portion. Jesus. My sweet Jesus.

My flesh and heart fail. There must be more.
'Jesus' 'Jesus' 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.'
Who is this Nazarene Man born in a manger?
Meek. Gentle. Lowly in heart.
This 'Jesus' my strength. My heart.
This 'Jesus' my portion. My cup.

No other love. No other fortune.
No predetermination exceeding beyond His proximity.

Jesus my strength. Jesus my portion.
Jesus my reward. Jesus my fortune.

I say aloud... Here I am. Here I am. Jesus Here I am.

Here I am in worship. Here I am.
Here I am for war. Here I am.
Here I stand. Anoint my heart for worship.
Here I stand. Train these hands for war.
That I might sing straight to the depths of Your heart.
That I might bend bows of oppression.

Here I am 'Jesus of Nazareth.'
Here I stand for worship. Here I stand for war.

This Man. This Jesus is my strength.
This Man that I say. This Jesus is the shield of my salvation.

Here I am my Friend. Here I stand 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.' Here I am.
_________________________________________________________

Something more, Nothing Less

~A prayer to the God of my life~

Never enough. Something more. Nothing less.
As I pray my heart yearns for more.
As I sleep I long for yet another closeness.
Another glance. Another song.
My voice lifts but longs to be free.
In the depths of the night there is yet more but nothing less.
Partaking in bread but dreaming of life.
As life always brings death, Your death brought life.
As I give thanks to fill, I only empty.
Pouring myself out as an offering, longing to be complete.
How to fill this deep longing, this vast emptiness.
Feeling the weakness of an incomplete woman.
Feeling the weakness of an imperfect individual.
The bareness of my soul seeks.
The quest of the completion of eternity continues.
Never possessing enough.
Craving one more glance of Your countenance.
The capture of Your gaze.
To ravish Your Heart with only one glance.
Locking my eyes to that dark stare.
Yearning to see the extravagance of Your crown of Glory.
Never enough. Something more but nothing less.

nation taker

Slowly I walk looking upon the wall.
Visions of all Your beautifully created countries.
Each one with a voice, speaking out for the lost.
Each one in desperation to be prayed upon.
So many countries. So many souls.
So much darkness cast out upon.
I cry. I cry. I cry.
Where is Your light?
You say "Where there is light there is no darkness."
I feel Your pain. I feel Your heart ache individually for each one.
I feel Your tears. I hear you say...
"Come to me all who are weary, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
By Your Word the heavens were made.
By Your breath man came into existence.
You know all of the children of man.
You fashioned each one of our hearts.
You know our innermost thoughts.
Blessed is called the Nation who's God is You.
I look upon Your lands. I look upon Your people.
I cry. I cry. I cry.
As I look upon Your children. I began to weep.
Where Your light is there should be no darkness.
Slowly I walk and look upon the wall.
Placing my hands upon each Nation, grabbing the burden.
Praying all will come to fear You.
Praying all Your nations hope in Your steadfast love.
Praying to make a difference.

The Power of a Storm

It’s funny how the power of a storm can have such an impact on our lives or on the lives of others whom we come into contact with, especially in the storms of our own disobedience. I was reminded of this as I was reading the book of Jonah this evening. I was yet reminded again of my own walk and journey with the Lord. It seems every time I read this story, I see new aspects of God’s compassionate and merciful character.

Its mind blowing how at certain times in our life we so clearly hear the Lord’s voice and often feel His powerful direction upon us. Even though we feel His power and voice, we still choose to disobey. Jonah ran from the Lord even after hearing Him say ‘Arise and go to Nineveh.’ I don’t know about you, but if I verbally heard the Lord’s voice I think that I would run to Nineveh. Although Nineveh at this time was not just a normal populated city, or as the book says ‘great city’. It was actually a city known for its torturous ways. Through wars and persecutions, it was known to be the city with the most grotesque killings and martyrdoms. Jonah I’m sure definitely didn’t have the same heart or future hopes for this city as the Lord did. Jonah knew that they would turn from their evil ways and he also knew just how big the Lord’s soft spot was for them. “For I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster.” Jonah 4:2b Jonah didn’t want the Lord to relent upon this city, he wanted what he thought was justice. Funny how we think we know what justice is, but in all actuality we are very confused. God isn't though, He knows just what justice is. He knows t his because He is justice and righteousness. Who are we to think that we know what this is? Far too many times, I have had the ‘Jonah’ spirit. Jonah wanted God to pour out judgment upon the city for all the blood that they had shed. It’s funny how God sees through the depths of our hearts and the hearts that have turned from His ways. He is truly a God full of compassion and love.

Salvation even comes through disobedience. Yes, I know this sounds a bit strange or unique to say the least. Even as Jonah was disobedient, the Lord still worked out the salvation of others who came across his path. The mariners cried out to their gods, which obviously were not “Yahweh.” As they came into the depths of the storm, they also came into the knowledge of God’s power upon Jonah’s life. They came to the knowledge of the only true God. As they threw Jonah into the depths of the storm they began to fear the Lord exceedingly and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord. Hmm… completely different from them crying out to their many gods. Seems the scene took a drastic change at this point. They also made vows to Him, which I can’t help but think of a wedding. As making vows would represent ones love, faithfulness, and commitment; they were committing to Jonah’s Lord that they would follow Him all of their days. Although Jonah’s disobedient spirit went against God’s will, God still worked through his disobedience. The same goes for our disobedience, He still manages to work through our own mishaps and actually sends abundant blossoms on the way. The mariners couldn’t deny the power of His God and their obedience exceeded beyond Jonah’s at this point of the story. God’s grace is absolutely amazing.

As I read Jonah’s prayer, so many parts reminded me of my own prayer to God. “When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to You, into Your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to You; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the Lord!” Jonah 2:7-9
It seems that when our lives come to the darkest hour that we remember the Lord. It’s sad that sometimes it takes this for some of us to come back to Him, but this is just another testimony of how compassionate He truly is. In my own story, I lifted my voice to Him and cried out to Him at this time. He is always faithful and will relent just as He did to the city of Nineveh. This is how much He wants all to be saved and come to the knowledge of Him. It’s sad to see how people deny Him and grab onto the vein idols of the world and they forsake such a love. They loose out on the hope of His wonderful steadfast love. After seeing and experiencing this steadfast love, how can one not sacrifice to the Lord with a voice of thanksgiving and vow their lives to Him? I have vowed my life to Him, I have given Him my life to do what He will with it, knowing fully that He will lead me and guide me. I will forever sacrifice with a voice of thanksgiving. Jonah’s prayer came at a time of literal desperation, a time of drowning literally but also spiritually. The depths of the seas can be seen in people’s lives that have come to a sense of desperation. Even through Jonah’s darkest hour, the Lord brought his life up from the pit. How faithful He is.

God doesn’t only give one chance, but extends second chances and so fourth. There are so many times that we don’t deserve second chances but He is good like that. Jonah was given a second chance. The first call to ‘Arise and go’ was of course disobeyed by him but the second call to ‘Arise and go’ was obeyed. Funny thing was that it only took all but 1 day for Nineveh to turn from their wicked and evil ways. Jonah protested in 40 days the destruction of the city, hmm… why is everything 40 days? I am reminded of Jesus fasting 40 days in the desert before starting His ministry. So 40 days was proclaimed and the Ninevites turned from their ways and believed God. What did they do? The whole city fasted, put on sacks, repented, even the animals fasted (unvoluntaringly of course). So what do you think our God did? Well it’s pretty obvious with His beautiful soft spot, He relented of course. :-) I find it humorous about the animals, but that’s probably why the Lord mentions the cattle to Jonah in the end of the story. Even our father has a heart for animals!

How does this leave Jonah? Of course Jonah can be seen as the stubborn child of God. God shows so much love and patience to Him. In a sense it is a bit overwhelming and amusing in how He deals with His disobedient child. He simply deals with Him by asking one simple question. “Do you do well to be angry?” What kind of question is that? Seriously, how would you react to that question by the Lord? Of course it does no good to be angry. I just had to smirk and laugh at this question. This just shows how patient our Father is when we are still growing into the maturity of a beloved child of the Living God. Oh how I can’t wait to be more like the Lord. To grow into being more gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and definitely more abundant in love. Maybe someday I will have a glimpse of these, until then I will continue to walk in training pants.

Not only did Jonah show anger once but twice. He seemed to be a bit stubborn but the Lord never showed anger with him. God even went to provide shade by growing a plant above him, while all the while Jonah pouted about the relenting among the city. As fast as God graciously provided shade, He quickly took it away. Ha-ha… reminds me of the song “Blessed be Your Name- You give and take away.” Of course He then asks him “Is it good for you to be angry for the plant?” Of course it’s not good, that’s a given. God is showing Jonah and who ever reads this story, that He has a heart for other countries, cities, people, for lost little ones who have no knowledge for what is right or wrong. He wants all to come to the saving knowledge of Him, salvation. He wants all to turn their face and hearts to Him. He doesn’t want to pour out rath but wants to relent to those who turn from their ways and live for Him. He wants to pour out compassion, mercy, grace, and abounding steadfast love.

It’s funny because now I am thinking where is Nineveh anyway? Did you know that Nineveh is actually close to Monsul, by Bagdad? I actuallyhave to examine my own heart, do I have a Jonah spirit? Is there a Nineveh that I am called to go to? Is there a Nineveh that you are called to go to? Where are His wondering Ninevites? Father Lord, Beautiful Jesus, I pray that you help keep me from this Jonah spirit. Help me to be more gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love. Help me to be more like You.

Left home to come home but someday I will really be Home.

What a change the past few weeks has brought about. It was like I left home to come home. I really do consider Korea my home. The past 2 years my new-home land has changed everything about who I am, maybe I should rephrase that. God has changed everything about who I am and it just happened to be in the beautiful land of Korea. It seems that this is the trend in Korea... maybe God is on to something in the land of the morning calm. If there was a way to completely describe Korea I would have to say that Korea could be "our land" described in Ezekiel 36. Although theologically speaking, maybe not... but for my comparison, it has been.

"I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanliness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:24-27

As I spent the last 2 weeks in the United States, I have had so many mixed feelings. Feelings of homesickness (although I am home) have been the basis of my situation. Strange to be homesick when you are in your own homeland, but I have come to an understanding. The United States is no longer my only homeland. Korea has become my homeland, my spiritual homeland. When arriving in Korea in 2007, I was spiritually dead and thirsty. Korea has changed my heart, my spirit. Should I say that I am forever ruined in a good way? I shall say that I am. Although I am not Korean by ethnicity, and am 'aka' a 'me-gook,' I feel that my spirit has a connection with Korea. It's where I came back to the Lord, it's where the Lord put his Spirit within me. Korea has become my home and I am in a way 'Korean at heart.'

So with that said, I am on to the next season of my life. I'm IHOP'n it at international house of prayer in Kansas for a season, unless God calls me here for longer. I am uncertain of what the future holds for me, what I will do, where I will go, or any timing on whatever may come across my path. One thing is for sure that I am totally relying on our Heavenly Father to lead me and guide me to His purposes. This morning waiting at the airport I was led to this verse:

"For You are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
You take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."
Psalm 31:3-5

It's amazing how I came to Korea with a heart of stone but I left Korea with a heart of flesh. One thing I know for sure, I have the best future-career Planner. Into His hand I commit my spirit and only for His Name's sake will He lead me and guide me. One thing I can't wait for is to be at my Final Home, the final destination, not United States or Korea but Heaven.

ps. I still would like to think that Korea has not seen the last of me. God willing of course. :-)

A piece of worship.

_______________________________________________________________

Father God, Lord, Beautiful Savior.
All I want is worship. To worship You.
I crave worship. I need to worship.
It hurts so good to worship You.

What to do, where to go, Abba in worship.
Lead me, show me. I need to know You more.
What it means to worship You. I need to worship You.
Not successful in working a lifeless position.
You’re too alive and inside of me. This is my unfulfilled lifelong destiny.

To worship You. To worship You. To worship You.
I was made to worship. I was created to worship You.
This is my lifelong destiny, to worship You.

Abba Father, Lord on High. Beautiful Savior, Bridegroom God.
I long to worship. I need to worship You.
I need to love You. I am loved by You.
Oh sweet Love, sweet Lover. How you love me tenderly with an unfailing love.
I am loved by You. I need to worship You.

I am loved. I am loved. I am loved by the Beautiful Bridegroom Lord.
Open up. Open up. Open up. Jesus. Jesus. My sweet Lover Jesus.
Teach me. Teach me. Teach me to worship You.

Sweet sanctifying King, it is my desire to worship You.
In the morning I will sing of Your unfailing love.
In the evening I will sing of Your unending deeds.
I will worship You from morning to evening, dusk till dawn.
I will sing. I will sing. I will sing in worship.

Father King, Beautiful Savior I need to worship You.
Show me. Tell me. Whisper to me. This is my undying destiny.
You’re alive. You’re alive. You’re alive inside of me.

Release me out of this cage tied down by the religiosity of the world.
I was made in intimacy for worship. Intimacy to worship you, uncage me.
Set me free, release me from bondage and fear. Set me on fire to worship.
I was born to worship. This is my destiny, to worship You.

__________________________________________________

Today I have had this burning desire, flamed inside of me to worship. This is a little something created by this desire. I'm yet to know what this piece is supposed to be, maybe just a piece of worship. It started off as a prayer, but mysteriously I could feel the pounding and rhythmic beat of drums pounding from within as I wrote.

Holy and anointed One

Jesus, Jesus

Holy and anointed One

Jesus

Jesus, Jesus

Risen and exalted One

Jesus

Your name is like honey on my lips

Your Spirit like water to my soul

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet

Jesus, I love you, I love you

I came across this song in my 'little red hymn book' this morning. What a beautiful song to worship with, over and over I played it. How His name is like honey, so sweet. How His Spirit is water to my thirsty soul. How His Word is a lamp that lights my path. How I love You, Jesus. I love You.

dandelions and baseballs

I seem to look everywhere for green fields? I'm not talking about rice fields either. The smell of the freshly cut grass, oh how I do miss this smell. The excitement and butterflies that you get as you step up to plate and wonder how the pitch is going to come in this time, absolutely thrilling. The feeling of the dirt being rubbed under my cleats as I always kick off before heading off of first (yeah I know... who kicks off right?), anticipation. The white dust and red dirt that smokes into the air as you slide into home-plate, scary all the while exciting. The longing to dodge the bat and hear the smack and clinging as the ball flies into the air, with the hopes of course that it reaches outfield (shouts of praises if it goes beyond), blam to say-baseball high. I love the dynamite experience as you blast it towards the fence. I can't forget to mention the double take my arm always pops as coming abought on a throw, ah what memories the green field brings.

I was pondering past game memories in class today, I will mention a few.

• (memory 1) year: 1988 I began to play softball when I was 5 or 6 years old. Keep in mind that at this time that I was young, easily distracted, and would randomly wander off to pick flowers while singing and making up songs in my head. :-D You could say that I was a day-dreamer and space cadet. I won't admit that I'm still like this today, maybe I don't have too if you know me well. Oh how my mother and coaches gave me much grace during my first year at the game. I have to say that I didn't play much, but I sure did enjoy putting my glove (which I still have) oh my head and seeing how many spins I could do until I fell down. I remember at one time picking dandelions and putting them in the creases of my glove, all the while missing the balls that came in my direction of the outfield. Hey what can I say.... I was only a 'peewee'.
  
• (memory 2) year: 1993 I was in 4th grade and can remember anticipating all the softball games but hated the outfield. My favorite position was shortstop, even if I was short. Yea... if you think I'm short now, I was pretty short then too. Softball was one of my highlights at this time. At this time my grandmother was really sick with cancer, so it was one of the times we were able to get away from the hospital. Most people have memories of hot-dogs from baseball games, not me. I would have to say that it would have been the pink sparkly laffy taffy. I swear I ate about 10 each game and they were the extra big ones! I think I'm craving one right now... it's a surprise I didn't get cavities.
  
• (memory 3) year: 1997 One of my last years in high school to play. As much as I loved the game, my rebellious period kicked in.
  
• (College) Softball longing drew too strong, rebelious years died down, and I broke down and joined a league. That summer I had a nice trip down my apt. stairs and broke my foot in 5 places! Softball out for the summer, so disappointed. :-(

Where oh where art thou fields?

Memories, memories, memories I say. 'sigh' how I miss home today.

piers of preparation

As I entered the dusk scene, I gazed out onto the water as I gently stepped onto the wooden pier. Barefoot I walked farther away from the shore while all the time drawing nearer to its end. What beauty the water brought as the night was coming down. The colors of the almost gone sunset, dark yet lovely, appeared upon the horizon of the water. I stood on the weathered wooden landing, breathing in the presence of the Lord and the beauty of His creations. Worshipping the Lord upon Zephaniah, assuming to be alone I felt another presence. Glancing to the right, another wooden pier came into sight as it mirrored the exact one of my very presence. I saw you once again, but this time in a different scene. Always dark you seem yet mysteriously beautiful. Faceless you appear, while your heart shows the beauty and love of your soul. You stayed in my sight and did not vanish. As I looked down upon my steps, my heart longed to be next to yours. I longed to see your eyes as I tried to lock my view upon you. I couldn't help but notice the distance of separation between our piers. The stillness and mist of the water was calming but I knew that it was not in either of our power to cross. As I turned my eyes upon you again, I only felt your soul. I felt your soul intently look upon mine, as the loyalty of a dove's gaze. As I stood at the end of the pier, you stood at the end of the other, the water being the distance between our shoulders. I felt the presence of the Lord in all of the beauty and couldn't help but to worship. Although there was no voice, I felt our hearts worshiping together. As we stood on separate planks and outwardly gazed upon God's beauty, we could do nothing but give adoring reverence to the Creator of it all. As we stand on these piers of preparation, I anticipate the day that we may be fully revealed to one another and set sail. To sail off into God's beauty while serving shoulder to shoulder.

"'Then will I purify the lips of the peoples,

that all may call on

the name of the Lord'

and serve Him shoulder to shoulder."
Zephaniah 3:9

1,999 words

"A Biblical Synopsis of Worship's Relationship to a Specific Ministry." I chose the Eucharist (Lord's Supper/Communion).

Why do I always wait till the last minute to do assignments that have been given months in advance? I'm using the excuse that I work better under pressure. Although I believe that I write well and in most cases with passion, that doesn't mean that I always want to write-even if it's on a topic that I'm passionate about. All weekend I tried to get started on my mid-term paper for our ministry and worship class. Here's how it went down...

2 months earlier: doo... doo... doo... no research done. no paper done.

Friday: doo... doo... doo... no research gets done.
me: "Lord, I pray that you give me paper topics in my dreams."
No dreams occurred. :-(

Saturday: doo... doo... doo... went to the gym, met C for coffee, doodled in the rain.
No work gets done.

Sunday: IT"S A SABBATH!!! No work gets done.

Monday: doo... doo... doo... worked, went to the school library for research.
Research done, paper not started.
me: "Lord, please help me dream for more paper ideas or scriptures."
Dream: I dreamed I was doing my paper all night, but didn't remember anything
else when I woke up. geesh! You'd think with my dreams, I could at least
remember someth'n!

Tuesday: 5AM woke up, 6Am woke up, 7AM woke up, got up at 8AM. Started paper at 1PM.
Finished paper at 1:00AM Wednesday Morning!

Wednesday: 1AM writing this blog. On my way to edit my paper! Then turn it in to
turnitin.com for plagiarism check... mandatory for all students.
PAPER DUE AT 8:30 AM!


So after all is said and done, a half pot of coffee, 12 hours of paper typing full of ADD tendencies, the most beautiful day of Spring yet-lost while I sat and typed in my shoe-box, bed sores developing as I cont. to sit in the same spot for the entire duration of paper typing, and now for the grand finale... drum role please.... dun... dun... dun... 1,999 words!

Wednesday: 1:29 AM I'm off to Edit.

ptL!

Lilacs and Acrylics

The most perfect evening yet in Seoul. Spent with 2 beautiful girls, a bench, 3 lyres, lilacs, 3 canvases, and a set of acrylics. Nothing can compare. I found the painted imagery quite unique. It's amazing how you can retrieve feelings from paintings.

Turkish Children's Day

A little bit of Turkish culture in Seoul, Korea. Today was children's day in Turkey. Being that RIS is a Turkish International School, we visited the Turkish Cultural Center. Here are just a few of the pictures taken. Take to notice the rainbow if you would, yet another sign of God's faithful guidance. :-D

~Sign-Rainbow~

Bibs and Seabass

5:00 am: 2 bananas, 1 large glass of OJ, track pants, sport socks, fresh trackies, pony (for the hair of course), sweat band, stop watch, and most importantly the 'ipod'. All the necessities of marathon training. Yes, I said it... what? are you hard of hearing? I said 'marathon training'. Hopefully I won't need knee wraps anytime soon.

Location: Where is this festivity taking place? Well it's going to be held at the Songdo Daewoo Motors Field, Inchon Bridge, at Yeongjong Island.

The Running Track

This will be my first marathon, aahh and it's only the beginning of many. I began training last week, many months in advance of course. Come on guys, you all know how prepared I am at tasks before doing them. I just love preparatory skills and administration. Should I be chuckling, because I am. These are my 2 worst skills. I began with a 10K schedule but I wanted more of a challenge, so 20K it is. I'm most def. up for the challenge, as all of you who truly know me, know very well that I can struggle with a 'no' to any challenge. Should I be saying this? We'll see if it has any future impact.

Vigorous Training Schedule: Need I say vigorous, so far it has been pretty do-able. During the weekdays I start off at sun-rise, hit'n the track just a few blocks from my shoe-box crib. There seems to only be a few humans meandering on the track. I seem to get some sort of publicity when it comes to the morning runs. Not necessarily bad, could be due to numerous circumstances.

1. being I'm the only megook on the path.
2. I'm probably one of the youngest in comparison to the agimas and ahjummas.
3. I listen to my music very loudly and sometimes hum when I run. :-)

Surprisingly, every one that I run by has been very friendly to me. I have received more smiles on the track the past week than I have in the past 2 years street meandering in Korea. I try to bless each beautiful smile I see. At one point during my first week of training (while running in consistant circles), I thought "this must what it feels like to be a gerbil." The required time during the first few weeks is 30-35 min of consistent running, no walking, stopping, peeing, or "are we there yets?". I have actually loved the runner's rush... or what they call the "runner's high." I will admit that I have not been following all the rules. I didn't feel like stopping at 30 min, so I probably ran more than what I should've. I made it for 50 min, straight running minutes yesterday morning. Yes and I bragged about it too... except with a slight differentation in story. The incident occurred at our "Famous RIS Lunch table" I stated that I ran straight for 1 hour. Hey, I wasn't lying... I was just counting the time it took me to get back to "the shoebox." I did cut down on my cardio in the gym and also on my taekwondo boxing/cardio classes. I'm not planning on cutting down any on my weight. On weekend runs, I upgrade to the Han river bicycle path. Don't worry I won't get ran over... hmm should I be wearing elbow and knee pads? During my off running days, I try to hit the gym for weight training. Soon, I will be partaking to the point of scheduling known as... speed training. I'm curious to see how I will do. speed walk, run, speed walk, run, speed walk, run, speed walk, run, speed walk... should I keep going? I'll keep you all updated on the advancement.


Dress Code: So, for the ballroom attire I can say that I am not planning on sport'n those short runing shorts... as most call 'spedos'. I'm pretty stoked to be wearing an official running bib with numbers... hmm... I wonder if I get to choose my number? And now for the grand finale... drum role please... dun-dun-dun... The Seabass Running Club shirts! Yes, it's official! After finishing a run with my awesome co-worker Lee and his wonderful wife Deanna, buying an official starbucks beverage for Deanna, and taking a picture that I'm so sad to say was not saved (darn motorolla phones), I am now a lifetime member of the Seabass Running Club and the shortest one too!

In the beginning...

Nicole's version of God creating man Random thought: "I wonder if there was music during creation?"

Don't mind the fuzzy-ness... it's for those with modest eyes. :-D

The strings of His Heart

I heard this song a few weeks ago and it has been playing in my soul since. The past few weeks I have felt so distant from His presence. Sometimes I just feel like the Lord is so far away, but in actuality I know that He is right next to me. It's really myself drawing away from Him at times. All so many times He is probably whispering to me "come closer to my heart child." I know that He never moves and that He always wants me to draw nearer to Him. I want to draw nearer to His heart. I want to know Him more and more. I want to play the strings of His heart. At times I will sit, sing, and play as if I am singing directly into His heart. When I feel so far from the Lord, Music always brings me into His presence. Why is this? When I heard this song, it brought to me a visual of how my words go directly into His heart. How He gives us the strings of His heart to play and how He plays the strings of ours, how our words of song float into His heart and how He sings into ours. Simple but complex, beautiful.

I want to play the strings of Your heart, God
Come play the strings of mine
I want to sing straight to Your heart, God
Come sing straight to mine Lord

You have my heart; Lord, You have my hope
Lord, You have my heart, and I am searching for Yours

Lord, You have my thoughts; Lord, You have my thoughts
Lord, You have my thoughts, and I am searching for Yours.

Lord, You have my song; Lord, You have my song
Lord, You have my song, and I am searching for Yours.

I'm so in love with You, I'm so in love with You,
I'm so in love with You, Jesus
Jesus, Jesus
Song by Misty Edwards

Friend of the poor

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:1-10

reign in me

The past few months I have had a few disturbing dreams. I had one specifically last week that woke me and just made my stomach turn circles all day. It seems that I have direct dreams from the Lord, in which I don't want to wake up but I would rather stay and soak in His wonderful presence and revelation... then I have the other dreams in which I want to jump out of and push far out of my mind, the ones that scare me. I cry out wanting only dreams from the Lord, dreams of peace and revelation. As I cried out the other night for the Lord to reign over my heart and mind in my sleep, I fell into a quite sleep. I awoke with this song in my heart.

Over all the earth
You reign on high
Every mountain stream
Every sunset sky
But my one request
Lord my only aim
Is that you reign in me again

Lord reign in me
Reign in your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord of all I am
So won't you reign in me again

Over every thought
Over every word
May my life reflect
The beauty of my Lord
You mean more to me
Than any earthly thing
So won't you reign in me again... reign in me again... So won't you reign in me again...
by Brenton Brown

I have to admit that I sang my heart out all day (all week) with this song. I couldn't get this tune out of my mind, it was as if the Lord had placed it upon my heart during my darkest hour, as a seal of protection-that only He would reign in my dreams.

Thank you Father for being so faithful, for loving me so much, for protecting my heart and mind when I have no control. You are beautiful my Lord and You mean more to me than any earthly thing. I want only my life to reflect the beauty of You. I pray to You that You will reign in me, in all you power and majesty, in all your holiness and beauty. Father reign in me.

Matthew 16:24

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

The past few weeks I have dreamed this verse numerous times. I awake quoting this verse in my dreamy-state thoughts as well as in the sleepy state voice of reality. I have been familiar with this verse since I was a child as I memorized it at camp. God is speaking this verse to me in a new light, out of my unconsious control. I just love how He speaks to me this way and I am excited for more of His revelation from this experience.

I also love the following verse:
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25

Assembly Line

I woke up this morning to a slight pain in my heart. Sometimes being a teacher makes your heart hurt. You become so attached to the students that they become a part of your daily thoughts, even when you’re not at school. Some students more than others, not saying that I have favorites, but at times it seems necessary to pray for more patience and love with these specific ones. Its not that they are bad but they are just special cases. It's funny that how 'the one' student I struggled with emotionally and at one time physically seemed to be one of the ones that my heart grew so found of. *Just a side-note so you don't all think I'm abusive :-), you could just say that at times this precious one didn't know what to do with his anger. As I began to pray for more love and patience for this little-one, the Lord began to pour out more than what I asked for. He really changed my heart to love this little one despite any circumstances, unconditionally. As my heart began to change, it seemed the child began to change. As the months have gone by my heart has grown more and more for this little one, especially his dimpled mischievous look. My heart has not been the only one that has changed, but the little one's heart has too. I began to see trust develop in his eyes and I began to see love grow in his heart for me. The past month I was reminded of God's love through this mischievous one. One morning a few weeks ago, I saw this blue streak running across the room and then I felt two little arms around my waist, hugging me tightly. I looked down and saw Osama just looking up at me with those big brown eyes. At that moment, I was reminded of how much God loves us. Through this little boy, God was giving me a hug and telling me He loved me. How the Lord has changed my heart to love as He has called me to love. I have to admit that it was hard at first but now I don't want to let this little boy go back home. It's funny how God works sometimes and turns our weaknesses into our greatest strengths or accomplishments. The beginning of the year I struggled with love and now towards the end of the year as this little one leaves to go back to his country, I don't want to let go of the love I have for him. I won't let go of this love and I will always remember this little precious munchkin. I see now that teachers give love but that love is also taken from them. You give a peace of your heart to each one of your students and you watch them flourish through the year. I don't know why, but I guess I always expected to get that peace of heart back. :-D It doesn't work like that. A peace of my heart was taken this week and I'm okay with it. It hurts but at the same time it feels good. I will always have a little peace of my heart in Saudi Arabia. Maybe when it's done and overwith a few more pieces of my heart will be there.

Season of Consecration

I have been praying about where the Lord is now leading me. It's as if He is stirring in my heart and telling me "My daughter there is more, there is more, there is more." I just have to say to my readers, that I love Korea. Coming to Korea was the best thing that I have ever done. Coming here opened my eyes to God's heart and how much He truly loves me- an unfathomable endless love. Even when speaking the word 'Korea" it strikes a key in my heart. The other night, I was talking with a friend on the subway and he said "Korea is a special place." Yes, Korea is a very special place. The Lord really brings His children to Korea to awaken their hearts to His love. Korea has become my home, even at times I feel more comfortable here than I do back in the States. It seems the more and more I am here; the less comfortable I am in western civilization. Being in Seoul-Korea has opened my heart to love Him in a new way, opened my heart to His heart for the lost around the whole world, and has brought me to a sense of endless worship, prayer, and song. So when thinking of Korea, I can honestly say this is where I first whole-heartedly experienced the Lord. Korea has become my home, although of course my first home is with the Lord-Jesus Christ (believing you all knew that). But there's always that but right? But I feel it's not enough, I feel a longing for more. The Lord has placed a passion of worship, music, prayer, and an endless searching for Him upon my heart. It's all I think about, it's all I dream about.

This week the Lord has really spoken to my heart through the story of 'The Tabernacle of David.' I read about Solomon being young and inexperienced and how the house that he is to build is to be of huge magnificence and splendor. The Lord tells David "He will be my son and I will be his Father." This is pertaining to Solomon being the son and the Lord being the Father. In a slight-way I feel like Solomon, young and very inexperienced. Although Solomon's calling is to the structural building of the Tabernacle of David (Temple of the Lord) and mine is more so in worshiping, praying, interceding, witnessing, and teaching. I can't help but feel a sense of mysterious connection to the Tabernacle of David, through Solomon. I feel young and inexperienced in worship, prayer, music, and evangelism; but I know this is one of my callings. I believe that just as Solomon was equipped through the preparations of David and the power and Spirit of the Father, that I will be equipped too. I take this story in heart to be a promise that the Lord will equip me in my young and inexperienced abilities, just as He did for King Solomon. The verse that captivates my heart is "He will be my son and I will be his Father." As growing up with no father figure in my life, it has always been hard to grasp the love of a father, as well as the love of Christ. The past almost 2 years the love of a Father has been awoken in my heart here in Seoul-Korea. To say the Lord has rained down His love is an understatement. It has become so powerful, but beyond the love of an earthly father, the love of Christ can't even compare to an earthly sense. I have had so much healing here in Korea when speaking about the love of a father. The Lord's love has covered over all the holes in my heart and emptiness, as I now see that I have a Beautiful Wonderful Father. How beautiful the love of the Heavenly Father is. My sweet Father, thank-you for you your son-ship, thank you for your Father-hood, that I can be called the daughter of the Holy One Most High.

I have begun to look further into pursuing other schools/ internships that could better equip and train me in these areas. I'm still in the process of praying on a possible school or program. I wish there were a school in Korea that I felt lead to, but I'm afraid there isn't one that has a music/worship program. Lately I have had nervousness upon me when thinking about leaving Korea. I have grown so much here and I was a little nervous to leave my church, my college, my friends, my teaching job, and my spiritual-family. But as I was reading through 1 Chronicles and meditating on it this week, I really felt the Lord whispering to me "I will never leave you, come after me for there is more." Then I came upon these scriptures:

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11"Whatever you have in mind, do it, for God is with you." 1 Chronicles 17:2"

I will be his father, and he will be my son. I will never take my love away from him, as I took it away from your predecessor. I will set him over my house and my kingdom forever; his throne will be established forever." 1 Chronicles 17:13-14

"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished." 1 Chronicles 28:20

I believe these scriptures are telling me to do whatever the Lord has placed in my mind and heart to do. They are telling me to look to the Lord and embrace His strength, focus on seeking His face in everything I do. It is a promise that He is my father and that He will always love me and will never take His love away. God is telling me He will give me strength, knowledge, wisdom, and skill to do any work that He has placed in my heart. That I can't gain knowledge, wisdom, or training for myself or for anyone else, but that it's only for Him and through His Spirit that this can be made possible.

"My son Solomon, the one whom God has chosen is young and inexperienced. The task is great because this palatial structure is not for man but for the Lord God." 1 Chronicles 29:1

I believe this verse is not to be taken lightly. I will take this literally as well, for when we feel the Lord calling us for worship, service, etc. sometimes we have this little green-eyed monster creep in called pride. Aaahhhh yes, pride. We all have dealt with pride, I'm sure numerous times, at least I know I have. When the Lord calls us to go somewhere, do something, to serve or be part of praise, He wants us to do it whole-heartedly for Him and through Him. So many times people do things for the wrong reasons, for the approval of man and the world. It's when the Lord calls the weak or the inexperienced that they truly have to rely on Christ for knowledge, wisdom, equipping, and the power of the Holy Spirit. It's not what you can do for the Lord, but what the Holy Spirit can do through you for Him.

" And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. 10Consider now , for the Lord has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work." 1 Chronicles 28: 9-10

Then I began to think about only worshiping, praying, seeking God's face. To set aside a season of my life to grow closer to the Lord in prayer, song, meditation, and really digging into His written Voice. How awesome would it be to drop everything for a season and pursue after God's Heart? I was thinking this late this evening as I was meditating and praying on 1 Chronicles. Then I came to the Lord's Voice in scripture:

"Now who is willing to consecrate himself today to the Lord?" 1 Chronicles 29: 5

I think I might have 'yelped' when I read this. How God is so good! I want to say I Love Him, but it's more than love. I'm Lovesick for Him. He never get's old and it seems time after time, He speaks His heart to me. I can't get enough, I long to know Him more. The craziest part about it, is that He loves me more. We think our love is strong for Him, but it's nothing compared to the Love He has for us. My heart melts when I think how much He loves me, how much He thinks I'm absolutely beautiful.