Lost

As I came out of the prayer room in the wee early hours of the morning, I felt my body craving something sweet, preferably my necessary daily vanilla latte. Since I had not slept yet, I decided on juice and maybe a granola bar. I climbed into my car once I found where it parked itself. I quickly drove to the nearest gas station; trying not to speed since recently I have felt a slight conviction of breaking the road rules. I pulled into the gas station, turned off my lights, pulled my keys out, layed them down by my purse, grabbed my wallet, and hopped out of my car. As my door was shutting I knew what I had just done. Now if you are reading this and you have known me for a long time, you know what’s coming. I locked my keys in my car. I haven’t had a car for about 2 ½ years and I’ve only recently been back to driving. So I knew I was due for this some time soon. I just looked at my car door and said ‘Oh no, I did it again.’ I immediately started praying about what I should do. This can be considered my first issue in Kansas City because my phone was in my car, I don’t have any of my roommates phone numbers memorized, I’m still not familiar with Kansas City, and well I just had this sense of helplessness placed upon me. So I began to pray for God to send me someone to help. I’m a very impatient person so I didn’t wait very long until I took the matter into my own hands. Forgive me Jesus even through your faithfulness. I called a locksmith. I decided I might as well go sit on the curb by my car and wait. I was sitting on the curb and this man stopped and asked me if I was okay. I said yes but I was just waiting for a locksmith. He said “Hurry, call them and cancel.” So I didn’t ask any questions and I went back inside the gas station to call and cancel. When I came back out to my car he was already working on getting my keys out. I told him that I had prayed for the Lord to send someone to help me and that’s when he showed up. I made sure to thank Jesus and bless the man. This man’s name was John, which is funny because the past few days I have been studying the book of John. As he was working on getting my keys out, I had this surreal revelation. I was standing in front of the gas station and it was as if the world was going in fast motion but I was stopped. I was a frozen body just standing in front of the gas station watching life zoom by. People were coming from every direction zooming in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and I was just standing there frozen, motionless, and watching life happen. As I was watching all these people coming and going, I realized that they were all lost. The majority of them didn’t know Jesus and they were walking in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and they were all coming to get something. Whatever they were coming to get was nothing compared to Jesus. At that moment, when this man John was getting my keys out of my car, I realized that all of these people at this specific location were coming to get something but they were leaving without the most important thing in life, Jesus. They were all lost and dying, but still alive on their way to death. I began to cry. As I stood there, during this momentary moment of my own sense of frozenness, I realized just how many people need Jesus. At this gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, in this specific country, there were so many people that were lost and dying. There were so many people here that needed Jesus, they all needed life. I believe that this coincidence didn’t just happened this morning but I believe that it was a divine encounter with God’s heart for these people, at this specific gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, and in this specific country. I realize just how much God wants us not only to walk out the first commandment (to love Him with all that we have) but that He expects us to also walk out the second (to love our neighbors). I can’t explain the pain that I was feeling as I drove down the road feeling a piece of God’s heart from this unexpected encounter this morning. I looked down at my coffee and granola bar and all I could think about was lost souls.

Hands

As I close my eyes, I see You. I see You standing there with Your hands wide open, looking at me. I see Your scars but they look a little different than was to be expected. I lean in a little closer to get a better view as I think I see something very peculiar. Scar pierced hands I see but they have something written, something engraved within. Your scar pierced hands say my name! It's my name engraved in those hands of Yours! I'm in those holes, scarred but healed. My name is in the palms of Your hands! Who am I that You chose me out of this world? Who am I that Your hands scream me? How can I contain this reality? It's almost too much to bear. My heart is overwhelmed with an awe and a sense of joy that a man could love me in such an intimate way. Your hands scream my name. Your hands contain all of me. Even through all my unworthiness You chose to die for me! Guiltless, betrayed, abandoned, and denied- You were crucified for me. What can I say? What can I do? What on Earth can I offer You? Nothing could ever compare to the Way, the Truth, and the Life that You have given me. Nothing could ever compare to this endless Love that will last throughout all of Eternity. My life is no longer my own but is in those Beautiful Hands of Yours. There is no other place that I would rather be. Your hands were pierced for me. I see You looking at me with Your palms wide open. Your Life was given for me as my name was inscribed upon those Beautiful Hands of Yours. Into those hands I give all that I am, all that I've been holding onto. Into Your hands, wide open, palms up, screaming at me. My name and all that I am are in those hands. I'm in Your Hands and Your looking at me. There is no other place that I would rather be.

'What a Friend'

_________________________________

I am His Friend.
I am a friend of the 'Living God.'
I am a friend of the 'Great I Am.'
I am a friend of the 'Invisible Man.'
I am a friend of the 'Utmost High.'

He shares what the Father speaks.
He shares His secrets intimately.
He trusts me completely.
No longer a servant in need of a master.
Chosen for intimacy as I dine with the King.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed in the palms of His hands.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Who am I that this 'Righteous Branch' would hold my
name in the palms of His nail pierced hands?
Who am I that this 'Shoot from Jesse' would want any part of me?

He died for me. He died for me.
Flogged and beaten down.
He died for me. Jesus died for me.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by a crown of twisted thorns.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by the spear in His side.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Delivered unto Authority.
Onto what accord?
Guiltless not for fame.
Crucified to sanctify.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Chosen me for sanctivity from amongst all His creativity and even with my unique individuality.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Come a little closer..... Come a little closer.....
Listen..... Listen to His voice..... He's ALIVE!!!
__________________________________

Dr. Seuss meets Yahweh

Oh child I say…. Oh the places you will go today.
Will you get lost?
Will you find your way?
Child I must say… did you bring your map today?

Oh who is your guide?
Should I say a teacher, a cousin, or a make believe friend?
What? Do you not have a tour guide for the day?
Hmmm… Someone should help you along the way.
I shall say, maybe I will meet you half way.
How do you get to where you play?
Do you know the way?

All alone... all by yourself... you travel with no body else.
Where are your friends I must say?
Did they get lost today?
"Oh no" my sweet dear child… You must need someone to make you smile.
Turn that frown upside down.
You say you’re sad I say.
You need a friend to help you find your way?

Who is this special friend I must say?
Is he yellow, purple, black, brown, or white?
What? You say He is Big, clear, and bright?
This friend of yours must help you find your way today.
You’ve been so lost like a needle in the hay.
This friend… This beautiful friend.
You must be a friend of ‘Yahweh.'

Ramblings

Word of the Day: Reflection

Thoughts about today. Hmmm… prayer room? So many thoughts. Hmmm… my mind wonders way too much. Banana Pancakes… yummy! Lots of syrup too! School bus just passed by. I hated ridding the school bus. I was always assigned to the front seat… guess I got out of control in the back. Once I tried to climb out the emergency exit but I got caught. I even slid under the bus when I slipped on a piece of ice getting onto the bus. Isn’t that a run-on if I say so? Uh-huh… I do. I wonder if I’ll say that anytime soon. This is coming from a teacher too… how I miss my little Arabic speaking students. Even missin correcting their grammar mistakes. Yea… sometimes I’m nerdy like that. My roomie says I’m a bit weird. I’d rather be a nerd. That’s okay Jesus loves me soooo much. Someday where gonna get married. He thinks I’m gorgeous! :-D So weird how society views beauty and how Jesus makes us so much more beautiful than any sort of cosmetics. Although I’m not against wearing cosmetics but I never wear them in the gym. Hmmm… I really need to get back into my running mode. I’m losing my muscles but gaining prayer muscles. Sometimes I feel like run’n in the prayer room but instead I sit in the infamous blue chair… wait or is it grey? At times I get really happy and jump up and down but I eventually go back to the grey chair or I sit on the floor. I can’t believe how many grey hairs I’ve been getting. I’m only 27 years old too… wait or am I 28? In Korea I would be turning 29 at the turn of the year, which would make me 28. I can’t wait till I turn 30! Really because the best years of life are in your 30’s! Here I come... 30’s baby! Nope not yet, no little munchkins. Maybe someday. How beautiful are the feet that bring good news. I was born in 82. Man, I really do miss my 82 ‘chingu club.’ I feel like a mom in my apt. I’m almost 10 years older than my roomies. Funny though we all look about the same age. It’s the height I say. Oh sweet Jesus! Jesus I love You. Jesus I adore You! I was blown away tonight how much Jesus thinks of me as His friend. I’m His friend. Wow! Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Hey He really does you know? I’m not conceited I swear to it. Yep I’m just really confident in His love for me. That’s all. I haven’t used that laundry detergent in over 2 ½ years. I’m just ecstatic to have a dryer now. I wonder why Asia doesn’t have clothes dryers. I wonder if it’s because there are so many little people. Although I thought I would be a little taller there… come to find out, I was still the shortest one! It never fails… I’m always the littlest. Although I think I saw a girl here in Kansas City that was littler. Is that a word? It is now. Yep and I’m a teacher. Now it is 7:47 am and I probably should be getting to bed. I really don’t find the beds comfortable here. They remind me of my childhood. I miss my twin. I had the top bunk. I’d say that bunk-beds wouldn’t be my first choice but I guess I didn’t come here for the comfort of sleep. Sometimes when making the bed here, I feel like I’m at a rehab center. I love popping the centers out of Reese cups. Even though I’m not a big peanut butter fan. Mixed with milk chocolate it’s good. They always have peanut butter sandwiches for a second choice of food even on fish days. Good thing I’m not allergic to peanut butter too. Hmmm… the 2 most popular allergies and they serve them together? Contradictory? I need sleep. I’m rambling. Night. Wait or is it day? Can’t wait to be back on the day schedule soon.

Who is this Man from Nazareth?

______________________________________________________

My strength. My portion. Jesus. My sweet Jesus.

My flesh and heart fail. There must be more.
'Jesus' 'Jesus' 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.'
Who is this Nazarene Man born in a manger?
Meek. Gentle. Lowly in heart.
This 'Jesus' my strength. My heart.
This 'Jesus' my portion. My cup.

No other love. No other fortune.
No predetermination exceeding beyond His proximity.

Jesus my strength. Jesus my portion.
Jesus my reward. Jesus my fortune.

I say aloud... Here I am. Here I am. Jesus Here I am.

Here I am in worship. Here I am.
Here I am for war. Here I am.
Here I stand. Anoint my heart for worship.
Here I stand. Train these hands for war.
That I might sing straight to the depths of Your heart.
That I might bend bows of oppression.

Here I am 'Jesus of Nazareth.'
Here I stand for worship. Here I stand for war.

This Man. This Jesus is my strength.
This Man that I say. This Jesus is the shield of my salvation.

Here I am my Friend. Here I stand 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.' Here I am.
_________________________________________________________

Something more, Nothing Less

~A prayer to the God of my life~

Never enough. Something more. Nothing less.
As I pray my heart yearns for more.
As I sleep I long for yet another closeness.
Another glance. Another song.
My voice lifts but longs to be free.
In the depths of the night there is yet more but nothing less.
Partaking in bread but dreaming of life.
As life always brings death, Your death brought life.
As I give thanks to fill, I only empty.
Pouring myself out as an offering, longing to be complete.
How to fill this deep longing, this vast emptiness.
Feeling the weakness of an incomplete woman.
Feeling the weakness of an imperfect individual.
The bareness of my soul seeks.
The quest of the completion of eternity continues.
Never possessing enough.
Craving one more glance of Your countenance.
The capture of Your gaze.
To ravish Your Heart with only one glance.
Locking my eyes to that dark stare.
Yearning to see the extravagance of Your crown of Glory.
Never enough. Something more but nothing less.

nation taker

Slowly I walk looking upon the wall.
Visions of all Your beautifully created countries.
Each one with a voice, speaking out for the lost.
Each one in desperation to be prayed upon.
So many countries. So many souls.
So much darkness cast out upon.
I cry. I cry. I cry.
Where is Your light?
You say "Where there is light there is no darkness."
I feel Your pain. I feel Your heart ache individually for each one.
I feel Your tears. I hear you say...
"Come to me all who are weary, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
By Your Word the heavens were made.
By Your breath man came into existence.
You know all of the children of man.
You fashioned each one of our hearts.
You know our innermost thoughts.
Blessed is called the Nation who's God is You.
I look upon Your lands. I look upon Your people.
I cry. I cry. I cry.
As I look upon Your children. I began to weep.
Where Your light is there should be no darkness.
Slowly I walk and look upon the wall.
Placing my hands upon each Nation, grabbing the burden.
Praying all will come to fear You.
Praying all Your nations hope in Your steadfast love.
Praying to make a difference.

The Power of a Storm

It’s funny how the power of a storm can have such an impact on our lives or on the lives of others whom we come into contact with, especially in the storms of our own disobedience. I was reminded of this as I was reading the book of Jonah this evening. I was yet reminded again of my own walk and journey with the Lord. It seems every time I read this story, I see new aspects of God’s compassionate and merciful character.

Its mind blowing how at certain times in our life we so clearly hear the Lord’s voice and often feel His powerful direction upon us. Even though we feel His power and voice, we still choose to disobey. Jonah ran from the Lord even after hearing Him say ‘Arise and go to Nineveh.’ I don’t know about you, but if I verbally heard the Lord’s voice I think that I would run to Nineveh. Although Nineveh at this time was not just a normal populated city, or as the book says ‘great city’. It was actually a city known for its torturous ways. Through wars and persecutions, it was known to be the city with the most grotesque killings and martyrdoms. Jonah I’m sure definitely didn’t have the same heart or future hopes for this city as the Lord did. Jonah knew that they would turn from their evil ways and he also knew just how big the Lord’s soft spot was for them. “For I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster.” Jonah 4:2b Jonah didn’t want the Lord to relent upon this city, he wanted what he thought was justice. Funny how we think we know what justice is, but in all actuality we are very confused. God isn't though, He knows just what justice is. He knows t his because He is justice and righteousness. Who are we to think that we know what this is? Far too many times, I have had the ‘Jonah’ spirit. Jonah wanted God to pour out judgment upon the city for all the blood that they had shed. It’s funny how God sees through the depths of our hearts and the hearts that have turned from His ways. He is truly a God full of compassion and love.

Salvation even comes through disobedience. Yes, I know this sounds a bit strange or unique to say the least. Even as Jonah was disobedient, the Lord still worked out the salvation of others who came across his path. The mariners cried out to their gods, which obviously were not “Yahweh.” As they came into the depths of the storm, they also came into the knowledge of God’s power upon Jonah’s life. They came to the knowledge of the only true God. As they threw Jonah into the depths of the storm they began to fear the Lord exceedingly and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord. Hmm… completely different from them crying out to their many gods. Seems the scene took a drastic change at this point. They also made vows to Him, which I can’t help but think of a wedding. As making vows would represent ones love, faithfulness, and commitment; they were committing to Jonah’s Lord that they would follow Him all of their days. Although Jonah’s disobedient spirit went against God’s will, God still worked through his disobedience. The same goes for our disobedience, He still manages to work through our own mishaps and actually sends abundant blossoms on the way. The mariners couldn’t deny the power of His God and their obedience exceeded beyond Jonah’s at this point of the story. God’s grace is absolutely amazing.

As I read Jonah’s prayer, so many parts reminded me of my own prayer to God. “When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to You, into Your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to You; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the Lord!” Jonah 2:7-9
It seems that when our lives come to the darkest hour that we remember the Lord. It’s sad that sometimes it takes this for some of us to come back to Him, but this is just another testimony of how compassionate He truly is. In my own story, I lifted my voice to Him and cried out to Him at this time. He is always faithful and will relent just as He did to the city of Nineveh. This is how much He wants all to be saved and come to the knowledge of Him. It’s sad to see how people deny Him and grab onto the vein idols of the world and they forsake such a love. They loose out on the hope of His wonderful steadfast love. After seeing and experiencing this steadfast love, how can one not sacrifice to the Lord with a voice of thanksgiving and vow their lives to Him? I have vowed my life to Him, I have given Him my life to do what He will with it, knowing fully that He will lead me and guide me. I will forever sacrifice with a voice of thanksgiving. Jonah’s prayer came at a time of literal desperation, a time of drowning literally but also spiritually. The depths of the seas can be seen in people’s lives that have come to a sense of desperation. Even through Jonah’s darkest hour, the Lord brought his life up from the pit. How faithful He is.

God doesn’t only give one chance, but extends second chances and so fourth. There are so many times that we don’t deserve second chances but He is good like that. Jonah was given a second chance. The first call to ‘Arise and go’ was of course disobeyed by him but the second call to ‘Arise and go’ was obeyed. Funny thing was that it only took all but 1 day for Nineveh to turn from their wicked and evil ways. Jonah protested in 40 days the destruction of the city, hmm… why is everything 40 days? I am reminded of Jesus fasting 40 days in the desert before starting His ministry. So 40 days was proclaimed and the Ninevites turned from their ways and believed God. What did they do? The whole city fasted, put on sacks, repented, even the animals fasted (unvoluntaringly of course). So what do you think our God did? Well it’s pretty obvious with His beautiful soft spot, He relented of course. :-) I find it humorous about the animals, but that’s probably why the Lord mentions the cattle to Jonah in the end of the story. Even our father has a heart for animals!

How does this leave Jonah? Of course Jonah can be seen as the stubborn child of God. God shows so much love and patience to Him. In a sense it is a bit overwhelming and amusing in how He deals with His disobedient child. He simply deals with Him by asking one simple question. “Do you do well to be angry?” What kind of question is that? Seriously, how would you react to that question by the Lord? Of course it does no good to be angry. I just had to smirk and laugh at this question. This just shows how patient our Father is when we are still growing into the maturity of a beloved child of the Living God. Oh how I can’t wait to be more like the Lord. To grow into being more gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and definitely more abundant in love. Maybe someday I will have a glimpse of these, until then I will continue to walk in training pants.

Not only did Jonah show anger once but twice. He seemed to be a bit stubborn but the Lord never showed anger with him. God even went to provide shade by growing a plant above him, while all the while Jonah pouted about the relenting among the city. As fast as God graciously provided shade, He quickly took it away. Ha-ha… reminds me of the song “Blessed be Your Name- You give and take away.” Of course He then asks him “Is it good for you to be angry for the plant?” Of course it’s not good, that’s a given. God is showing Jonah and who ever reads this story, that He has a heart for other countries, cities, people, for lost little ones who have no knowledge for what is right or wrong. He wants all to come to the saving knowledge of Him, salvation. He wants all to turn their face and hearts to Him. He doesn’t want to pour out rath but wants to relent to those who turn from their ways and live for Him. He wants to pour out compassion, mercy, grace, and abounding steadfast love.

It’s funny because now I am thinking where is Nineveh anyway? Did you know that Nineveh is actually close to Monsul, by Bagdad? I actuallyhave to examine my own heart, do I have a Jonah spirit? Is there a Nineveh that I am called to go to? Is there a Nineveh that you are called to go to? Where are His wondering Ninevites? Father Lord, Beautiful Jesus, I pray that you help keep me from this Jonah spirit. Help me to be more gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love. Help me to be more like You.

Left home to come home but someday I will really be Home.

What a change the past few weeks has brought about. It was like I left home to come home. I really do consider Korea my home. The past 2 years my new-home land has changed everything about who I am, maybe I should rephrase that. God has changed everything about who I am and it just happened to be in the beautiful land of Korea. It seems that this is the trend in Korea... maybe God is on to something in the land of the morning calm. If there was a way to completely describe Korea I would have to say that Korea could be "our land" described in Ezekiel 36. Although theologically speaking, maybe not... but for my comparison, it has been.

"I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanliness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:24-27

As I spent the last 2 weeks in the United States, I have had so many mixed feelings. Feelings of homesickness (although I am home) have been the basis of my situation. Strange to be homesick when you are in your own homeland, but I have come to an understanding. The United States is no longer my only homeland. Korea has become my homeland, my spiritual homeland. When arriving in Korea in 2007, I was spiritually dead and thirsty. Korea has changed my heart, my spirit. Should I say that I am forever ruined in a good way? I shall say that I am. Although I am not Korean by ethnicity, and am 'aka' a 'me-gook,' I feel that my spirit has a connection with Korea. It's where I came back to the Lord, it's where the Lord put his Spirit within me. Korea has become my home and I am in a way 'Korean at heart.'

So with that said, I am on to the next season of my life. I'm IHOP'n it at international house of prayer in Kansas for a season, unless God calls me here for longer. I am uncertain of what the future holds for me, what I will do, where I will go, or any timing on whatever may come across my path. One thing is for sure that I am totally relying on our Heavenly Father to lead me and guide me to His purposes. This morning waiting at the airport I was led to this verse:

"For You are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
You take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."
Psalm 31:3-5

It's amazing how I came to Korea with a heart of stone but I left Korea with a heart of flesh. One thing I know for sure, I have the best future-career Planner. Into His hand I commit my spirit and only for His Name's sake will He lead me and guide me. One thing I can't wait for is to be at my Final Home, the final destination, not United States or Korea but Heaven.

ps. I still would like to think that Korea has not seen the last of me. God willing of course. :-)