The Voice Unspoken

As I stepped up to the red line I tried to prepare my heart for what I was about to hear. I placed both feet upon the red tape that read the words ‘LIFE’ in black lettering. It had taken me about 2 months to prepare myself to pray on the ‘Life Line.’ For the ones reading this article that don’t know what the ‘Life Line’ is, it is a line of red tape placed upon the floor of numerous international houses of prayer in the United States. This ‘Life Line’ is a specific place to stand and pray for the unborn, those without a voice. Who are the voiceless? The voiceless are the numerous cases of aborted babies that never have had a chance to speak and defend themselves. I had been observing people standing on these lines in the prayer room at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. I had often wondered what the Lord spoke into their hearts about the issue of abortion. For months I had been watching people’s reactions to God’s heart as they stood and prayed. Some stood in a solemn assembly, some cried, some screamed out for justice, and some just stood listening. So, there I was finally standing upon the ‘Life Line’. All too long I had felt numb on the issue of abortion. I was beginning to wonder why I couldn’t feel God’s heart. This day was different, it was time.

I stood there on the ‘Life Line’ and prayed a simple but profound prayer, ‘Lord, let me feel Your heart, let me feel what You feel, let me see what You see.” At first nothing happened, but I just stood there trying to listen to Him. I then had a vision. I saw all of these glass jars and in each glass jar there was a fetus. The first jar contained the youngest fetus, continuing on with the different stages of development, and the last jar contained the oldest fetus which looked like the time of delivery. Immediately I was brought back to a childhood visit to the ‘Chicago Museum of Science and Industry’. I had blocked this exhibit from my memory for years. This vision was the exact exhibit that I saw almost 15 years earlier. At that moment in the vision, the Lord spoke to me these specific words… “these are the children I loved.” My heart began to break and I just wept. I was finally feeling His pain for these children. I just stood there crying and listening to His heart. He spoke to me again… “Deuteronomy 30:19.” I quickly walked back to my seat and opened my Bible and read “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life that you and your offspring may live.”

A few weeks went by and the reality of God’s emotions concerning abortion was beginning to fade from my heart. One evening my roommate played a short film, called “22 Weeks.” It is based on a true story about a woman who had an abortion. Surprisingly, the most dramatic part in the movie for me was how her friend supported her decision to have the procedure. All of a sudden, as I was watching the film, the Holy Spirit began to convict me about my silence on this issue. I can count about 10 of my close friends from high school that had abortions. I can remember specific encounters before they had the abortions where I could have spoken out against it. I hate to say this, but I never did. I was more concerned with them rejecting me and my voice, than I was with the life they were carrying inside of them. This happened numerous times and I continued to silence my voice. Every single one of them aborted their baby and a few of them more than once. As I watched this film, I was realizing that I had unconfessed sin. Before God would allow me to feel all of His heart, I needed to repent of the blood that was on my hands. I was realizing this was the very thing that had been holding me back. This unconfessed sin was my numbness. I had aided in their abortions because I refused to speak out, I refused to share my voice. I feared man more than the loss of life. That evening the Lord reminded me of each encounter during my teenage years. As I began to confess all the times that I remained silent, I began to feel clean. I was reminded of Isaiah 1:15-18

“When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will no listen; your hands are full of blood. Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s case. Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”

By the end of the evening, I was feeling so clean and I was no longer numb. For the first time I was able to mourn for the loss of life that I had never spoke out about. The numbness had subsided and I was and am continuing to feel God’s heart on the issue of abortion. I have been silent for too long. Finally the voice unspoken had spoken.

cherry blossoms

Still a little wet, but dry enough to hang. :-D

Poplar Street

The 'Fire in the Night' internship is now over with and what an experience it was. The Lord spoke to me in such an awesome and intimate way during the past months. I can't ever imagine spending another day doing anything different... so I'm definitely praying about ways of financial support. I went back home to Indiana for a few days to unpack all of my pre-korea storage. It's funny how spending a few years in Asia can change your style of decorating, that's for sure. I left a lot of my decorations to gather more spiders and dust, now it looks like I'll be spending some time this week working on some paintings.

I have had so many mixed emotions and feelings the past week. It seems like I'm in another season of transition. Is it possible to miss a home so much, but you don't know where that home is? Guess this home must be Heaven because the only sure home that I know of is Heaven. I came home to the states but I miss Korea so much, although it isn't my homeland. I went home to Indiana last week and it felt like it was no longer my home either. I assume that neither are my home because its not where God wants me to be at during this time. My home is where He is calling me to be. At this time, I am called to be in Kansas City and I know this from the bottom of my heart. So it now looks as if KC is my new residency. As I was driving to Kansas City, I was thinking "I'm driving to my new home... for now that is." It's funny because on the way to Kansas City, I was imagining my 'new home' destination in my mind (KC). I should have been imagining Heaven coming down. I began missing Seoul as I was driving. To derail my mind from this track, I turned up my praise music and just began to scream praises. For 8 hours I screamed praises, cried tears of joy and thankfulness, and lifted my hand to Jesus. Don't worry, I left my left hand on the wheel. It's weird but my hand didn't even get tired and I left it up for the entire duration of the trip. In a very minute way, I felt like Moses in the battle against the Amalakites. He continued to raise his hands and flag on the mountain. As his arms grew weak and tired, Aaron and Hur held up his arms. I can just imagine I had an angel holding up my arm. :-) But it never did get tired. I felt so free on the ride back to Kansas City and my homesickness began to subside. I think my praise was defeating my own weakness. The Lord Is My Banner. Jehovah Nissi

As I pulled off the interstate, I began speaking to the Lord. I was telling Him to make Kansas City now feel like my home. Although I had already been staying in KC for the past few months, I was living at International House of Prayer, while interning. I believe that it never quite hit my soul that this was my new home yet. So I began to pray for the Lord to place a sense of 'home' in my heart for Kansas City. As I pulled off the interstate, into the Grandview Area, I looked up and saw a street sign. This street sign said 'Poplar st.' I think my jaw fell off my face!!! Poplar st. was the name of the street that I grew up on in Indiana! I couldn't believe my eyes, although I really did believe it! I mean who knew that the very first street sign I would see in my community would be the very same one that I grew up on as a child? I just began to praise Him all the more for being so faithful.

He is so faithful, so good, so true.
He knows exactly where He wants me.
He knows the exact destination of location.
He knows exactly what He wants to do.
He is m shepherd in every season of change.
He is my comforter and my strength.
He is 'Jehova Nissi' and I'm so in love with Him.


ps. Oh and I think I forgot to mention that my new address is actually on 'Indiana Ave.'
Who knew?!?!

Hold on to me

Hold on to me, Never let me go

Close my eyes to the world around
keep my eyes on You

What in this life can compare
to knowing You
to feeling You
to loving You
What can compare

Keep me from worthless things
Keep me from idols of the world
Keep me from the idolatry of society

What in this life can compare
to loving You
to loving You
to loving You
Jesus what can compare to Your love so freely shared

So proned to stray, So proned to walk away

Hold on to me, Never let go

So easily distracted by meaningless things
Meaningless things that take home in my heart

Hold on to me, Never let go

I need You now today more than ever
I need You today more than I ever have before

Hold on to me, Please don't let me leave

Close my heart to the world all around
Open my heart to be captivated by You

Jesus, hold on to me, never let go

Jesus I love You, I love You, I love You

I need You more today than any other day

Lost

As I came out of the prayer room in the wee early hours of the morning, I felt my body craving something sweet, preferably my necessary daily vanilla latte. Since I had not slept yet, I decided on juice and maybe a granola bar. I climbed into my car once I found where it parked itself. I quickly drove to the nearest gas station; trying not to speed since recently I have felt a slight conviction of breaking the road rules. I pulled into the gas station, turned off my lights, pulled my keys out, layed them down by my purse, grabbed my wallet, and hopped out of my car. As my door was shutting I knew what I had just done. Now if you are reading this and you have known me for a long time, you know what’s coming. I locked my keys in my car. I haven’t had a car for about 2 ½ years and I’ve only recently been back to driving. So I knew I was due for this some time soon. I just looked at my car door and said ‘Oh no, I did it again.’ I immediately started praying about what I should do. This can be considered my first issue in Kansas City because my phone was in my car, I don’t have any of my roommates phone numbers memorized, I’m still not familiar with Kansas City, and well I just had this sense of helplessness placed upon me. So I began to pray for God to send me someone to help. I’m a very impatient person so I didn’t wait very long until I took the matter into my own hands. Forgive me Jesus even through your faithfulness. I called a locksmith. I decided I might as well go sit on the curb by my car and wait. I was sitting on the curb and this man stopped and asked me if I was okay. I said yes but I was just waiting for a locksmith. He said “Hurry, call them and cancel.” So I didn’t ask any questions and I went back inside the gas station to call and cancel. When I came back out to my car he was already working on getting my keys out. I told him that I had prayed for the Lord to send someone to help me and that’s when he showed up. I made sure to thank Jesus and bless the man. This man’s name was John, which is funny because the past few days I have been studying the book of John. As he was working on getting my keys out, I had this surreal revelation. I was standing in front of the gas station and it was as if the world was going in fast motion but I was stopped. I was a frozen body just standing in front of the gas station watching life zoom by. People were coming from every direction zooming in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and I was just standing there frozen, motionless, and watching life happen. As I was watching all these people coming and going, I realized that they were all lost. The majority of them didn’t know Jesus and they were walking in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and they were all coming to get something. Whatever they were coming to get was nothing compared to Jesus. At that moment, when this man John was getting my keys out of my car, I realized that all of these people at this specific location were coming to get something but they were leaving without the most important thing in life, Jesus. They were all lost and dying, but still alive on their way to death. I began to cry. As I stood there, during this momentary moment of my own sense of frozenness, I realized just how many people need Jesus. At this gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, in this specific country, there were so many people that were lost and dying. There were so many people here that needed Jesus, they all needed life. I believe that this coincidence didn’t just happened this morning but I believe that it was a divine encounter with God’s heart for these people, at this specific gas station, in this specific town, in this specific state, and in this specific country. I realize just how much God wants us not only to walk out the first commandment (to love Him with all that we have) but that He expects us to also walk out the second (to love our neighbors). I can’t explain the pain that I was feeling as I drove down the road feeling a piece of God’s heart from this unexpected encounter this morning. I looked down at my coffee and granola bar and all I could think about was lost souls.

Hands

As I close my eyes, I see You. I see You standing there with Your hands wide open, looking at me. I see Your scars but they look a little different than was to be expected. I lean in a little closer to get a better view as I think I see something very peculiar. Scar pierced hands I see but they have something written, something engraved within. Your scar pierced hands say my name! It's my name engraved in those hands of Yours! I'm in those holes, scarred but healed. My name is in the palms of Your hands! Who am I that You chose me out of this world? Who am I that Your hands scream me? How can I contain this reality? It's almost too much to bear. My heart is overwhelmed with an awe and a sense of joy that a man could love me in such an intimate way. Your hands scream my name. Your hands contain all of me. Even through all my unworthiness You chose to die for me! Guiltless, betrayed, abandoned, and denied- You were crucified for me. What can I say? What can I do? What on Earth can I offer You? Nothing could ever compare to the Way, the Truth, and the Life that You have given me. Nothing could ever compare to this endless Love that will last throughout all of Eternity. My life is no longer my own but is in those Beautiful Hands of Yours. There is no other place that I would rather be. Your hands were pierced for me. I see You looking at me with Your palms wide open. Your Life was given for me as my name was inscribed upon those Beautiful Hands of Yours. Into those hands I give all that I am, all that I've been holding onto. Into Your hands, wide open, palms up, screaming at me. My name and all that I am are in those hands. I'm in Your Hands and Your looking at me. There is no other place that I would rather be.

'What a Friend'

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I am His Friend.
I am a friend of the 'Living God.'
I am a friend of the 'Great I Am.'
I am a friend of the 'Invisible Man.'
I am a friend of the 'Utmost High.'

He shares what the Father speaks.
He shares His secrets intimately.
He trusts me completely.
No longer a servant in need of a master.
Chosen for intimacy as I dine with the King.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed in the palms of His hands.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Who am I that this 'Righteous Branch' would hold my
name in the palms of His nail pierced hands?
Who am I that this 'Shoot from Jesse' would want any part of me?

He died for me. He died for me.
Flogged and beaten down.
He died for me. Jesus died for me.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by a crown of twisted thorns.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Friendship claimed by the spear in His side.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Delivered unto Authority.
Onto what accord?
Guiltless not for fame.
Crucified to sanctify.

No longer a servant. No longer a Master.
Chosen me for sanctivity from amongst all His creativity and even with my unique individuality.

Guiltless of all their accusations.
Guiltless. Betrayed. Abandoned. Denied.
Delivered to be crucified.

Come a little closer..... Come a little closer.....
Listen..... Listen to His voice..... He's ALIVE!!!
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Dr. Seuss meets Yahweh

Oh child I say…. Oh the places you will go today.
Will you get lost?
Will you find your way?
Child I must say… did you bring your map today?

Oh who is your guide?
Should I say a teacher, a cousin, or a make believe friend?
What? Do you not have a tour guide for the day?
Hmmm… Someone should help you along the way.
I shall say, maybe I will meet you half way.
How do you get to where you play?
Do you know the way?

All alone... all by yourself... you travel with no body else.
Where are your friends I must say?
Did they get lost today?
"Oh no" my sweet dear child… You must need someone to make you smile.
Turn that frown upside down.
You say you’re sad I say.
You need a friend to help you find your way?

Who is this special friend I must say?
Is he yellow, purple, black, brown, or white?
What? You say He is Big, clear, and bright?
This friend of yours must help you find your way today.
You’ve been so lost like a needle in the hay.
This friend… This beautiful friend.
You must be a friend of ‘Yahweh.'

Ramblings

Word of the Day: Reflection

Thoughts about today. Hmmm… prayer room? So many thoughts. Hmmm… my mind wonders way too much. Banana Pancakes… yummy! Lots of syrup too! School bus just passed by. I hated ridding the school bus. I was always assigned to the front seat… guess I got out of control in the back. Once I tried to climb out the emergency exit but I got caught. I even slid under the bus when I slipped on a piece of ice getting onto the bus. Isn’t that a run-on if I say so? Uh-huh… I do. I wonder if I’ll say that anytime soon. This is coming from a teacher too… how I miss my little Arabic speaking students. Even missin correcting their grammar mistakes. Yea… sometimes I’m nerdy like that. My roomie says I’m a bit weird. I’d rather be a nerd. That’s okay Jesus loves me soooo much. Someday where gonna get married. He thinks I’m gorgeous! :-D So weird how society views beauty and how Jesus makes us so much more beautiful than any sort of cosmetics. Although I’m not against wearing cosmetics but I never wear them in the gym. Hmmm… I really need to get back into my running mode. I’m losing my muscles but gaining prayer muscles. Sometimes I feel like run’n in the prayer room but instead I sit in the infamous blue chair… wait or is it grey? At times I get really happy and jump up and down but I eventually go back to the grey chair or I sit on the floor. I can’t believe how many grey hairs I’ve been getting. I’m only 27 years old too… wait or am I 28? In Korea I would be turning 29 at the turn of the year, which would make me 28. I can’t wait till I turn 30! Really because the best years of life are in your 30’s! Here I come... 30’s baby! Nope not yet, no little munchkins. Maybe someday. How beautiful are the feet that bring good news. I was born in 82. Man, I really do miss my 82 ‘chingu club.’ I feel like a mom in my apt. I’m almost 10 years older than my roomies. Funny though we all look about the same age. It’s the height I say. Oh sweet Jesus! Jesus I love You. Jesus I adore You! I was blown away tonight how much Jesus thinks of me as His friend. I’m His friend. Wow! Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Hey He really does you know? I’m not conceited I swear to it. Yep I’m just really confident in His love for me. That’s all. I haven’t used that laundry detergent in over 2 ½ years. I’m just ecstatic to have a dryer now. I wonder why Asia doesn’t have clothes dryers. I wonder if it’s because there are so many little people. Although I thought I would be a little taller there… come to find out, I was still the shortest one! It never fails… I’m always the littlest. Although I think I saw a girl here in Kansas City that was littler. Is that a word? It is now. Yep and I’m a teacher. Now it is 7:47 am and I probably should be getting to bed. I really don’t find the beds comfortable here. They remind me of my childhood. I miss my twin. I had the top bunk. I’d say that bunk-beds wouldn’t be my first choice but I guess I didn’t come here for the comfort of sleep. Sometimes when making the bed here, I feel like I’m at a rehab center. I love popping the centers out of Reese cups. Even though I’m not a big peanut butter fan. Mixed with milk chocolate it’s good. They always have peanut butter sandwiches for a second choice of food even on fish days. Good thing I’m not allergic to peanut butter too. Hmmm… the 2 most popular allergies and they serve them together? Contradictory? I need sleep. I’m rambling. Night. Wait or is it day? Can’t wait to be back on the day schedule soon.

Who is this Man from Nazareth?

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My strength. My portion. Jesus. My sweet Jesus.

My flesh and heart fail. There must be more.
'Jesus' 'Jesus' 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.'
Who is this Nazarene Man born in a manger?
Meek. Gentle. Lowly in heart.
This 'Jesus' my strength. My heart.
This 'Jesus' my portion. My cup.

No other love. No other fortune.
No predetermination exceeding beyond His proximity.

Jesus my strength. Jesus my portion.
Jesus my reward. Jesus my fortune.

I say aloud... Here I am. Here I am. Jesus Here I am.

Here I am in worship. Here I am.
Here I am for war. Here I am.
Here I stand. Anoint my heart for worship.
Here I stand. Train these hands for war.
That I might sing straight to the depths of Your heart.
That I might bend bows of oppression.

Here I am 'Jesus of Nazareth.'
Here I stand for worship. Here I stand for war.

This Man. This Jesus is my strength.
This Man that I say. This Jesus is the shield of my salvation.

Here I am my Friend. Here I stand 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth.' Here I am.
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